Kerry to ISIL Leaders: “Get Lives. Get Wives. Get Laid ASAP”…

Funny how all the suicidal bombers and blow-up artists in the world have never been accused of being suicidal—okay, not so funny. But it certainly runs counter to the common narrative that depression is the cause of suicide—period. Narratives are not to be confused with truth, though, of course. People commit suicide for many reasons, including poverty, heartbreak, frustration, and old age, none of which are depression, strictly speaking.

Then there are so-called ‘suicide bombers’ in the service of various intifadahs and jihads, who give their lives so that others may have better lives, and to serve Allah, so to speak. So they aren’t truly suicidal; or are they? I’d like to offer another theory: now we all know the extents and depths to which sexual frustration can lead, but can it make you violent? Can it make you suicidal?

In other words: is love the drug that keeps on giving? That seems to be the message that US Secretary of State John Kerry is sending to ISIL from Vienna: “You guys need to get laid,” he said, “and I don’t mean next year. There’s nothing in this world that a good bl*w-j*b won’t fix, and I suggest you get started. And if you need help with that,” he continued, “the United States is prepared to help with the training and logistics required for such an operation.” Nod nod wink wink.

Initial reports are that ISIL has not rejected the offer, and may even be considering it, though unwilling to comment publicly. Nods and winks were noticed around the negotiating table, though. Privately it may be John Kerry who’s nodding and winking. The rumor is that there may be a secret plan, a ‘Trojan’ end run, so to speak. Our correspondent on the scene elaborates: “He’s talking about wild women—American women. They won’t stand a chance. They’ll never know what hit them.”